How to Flirt with Girls (lesbian edition)
Can I tell you something embarrassing?
I used to accidentally friend zone myself all the time.
It was 2020, I was a baby gay who just moved to Denver, and I downloaded tinder for the first time to find other queer women.
My heart was racing and my hands were shaking as I swiped through. Feeling that rush of dopamine with each match.
Fast forward to a few dates done, and I realized how incredibly ‘HEY BESTIE’ my energy was.
I was nice and asked great questions, but there was less than zero flirtatious energy. And I was not the only one who noticed this.
After. couple dates, I had a girl text me, “hey so do you like me? I can’t tell if you just want to be friends.”
I was really embarrassed, and I felt like I had zero idea what i was doing (because I didn’t).
The main thing that held me back when i first attempted to flirt with women was my fear of coming off as creepy or invasive. Can you relate?
Because I know how it feels to receive uncomfortable flirting and I would never want another woman to feel that way because of me.
So where the hell do I go from there???
After much trial and error, and working with my internalized shame and homophobia, I’ve come up with the best tips to keep in mind when flirting with women.
What didn’t work?
What makes good flirting? Well the easiest way to start the outline is through thinking of what hasn’t felt good for you or maybe horror stories from your friends.
Until I came out, I had never had a good flirting experience. They consisted of 3 icky components:
coming up to me full of expectations
not reading my body language, not getting the hint through my short answers, and
being disingenuous or overtly sexual.
So let’s reverse engineer that and do the opposite.
1.Drop the expectations. A stranger approaching you with expectations feels creepy.
You can sense, even if just on a subconscious level, that they want something from you.
When flirting with women, don’t expect anything.
Don’t expect them to flirt back, get a drink with you, go home with you, etc.
Flirting is meant to be playful, with no strings attached. And expectations add pressure, which is the opposite of playful.
2. Attunement.
This is a skill that stems from empathy and it means being able to sense and feel your own energy and the other person’s moods and energy and responding accordingly.
If the she is leaning in, making eye contact, giggling, playing with her hair, engaging in banter with you, GREAT.
These are all signs that she is enjoying herself.
If you’re attuned to your own body, you’ll likely start to feel electricity building between you two.
However, if someone is not making eye contact with you, looking around the room or at their phone a lot, crossing their arms, turning away from you, giving one word short answers, TAKE THE HINT.
Don’t be so wrapped up in your ego that you don’t realize they are saying no with their body.
Many women feel afraid to say ‘no thanks’ on some level because of past negative experinces.
3. Don’t use pick up lines.
Women are not objects to be won, and pick up lines can feel very game-y. Plus, they’re not creative. This is your chance to show that you’re paying attetion.
Give her a genuine compliment or relate to something about her, like maybe you both have flower tattoos.
And I don’t care how nice her ass looks, don’t make the first thing out of your mouth overtly sexual or body centered.
Women are already hyper sexualized in our culture so you don’t want to make her feel like a sex object.
Even if you are just looking for a hook up, you can compliment her jacket and still make it sexually charged.
It all goes back to the energy of what you’re saying. “I like your jacket” comes off differently than “That jacket looks so good on you. *eye contact and smirk* ”
In version one of that compliment the jacket is the focus, and in version two she is the focus.
Advanced flirting tips
Now that the basics are out of the way, here are 3 things most people never consider when it comes to great queer flirting.
Connect to your body.
Flirtatious energy is erotic, which comes from the body. Its not a mental choice or concept.
Flirting is felt. We’ve all felt the difference when someone says “I like your outfit” vs “I like your outfit.”
The difference is energetic. So if you want to bring flirtatious energy and not HEY BESTIE energy to your date, you must get out of your head and drop into your body.
Do something before the date that gets you feeling sensual.
That could be dancing to your favorite music, taking a bath, putting on your lotion reallyyyy slowly, masturating or touching yourself a little and holding that tension throughout the night.
You’re in charge of your erotic energy.
Practice cultivating it outside dates so it’s easier to turn it on when you want to.
Initiate.
In most cultures, women are shamed away from our sexuality and conditioned to keep other people comfortable by staying small and quiet.
These two social expectations, along with the fear of being predatory that we talked about earlier, have greatly influenced the world of wlw dating.
Maybe you’ve been on the apps only for nobody to message first, or have been out at a bar where girls just stare at each other and then go home.
If you are new to dating women, you’ll quickly learn that it’s not like dating guys. They don’t just throw themselves at you.
If you are into a girl, you will most likely have to initiate. Is it fair? Maybe not.
But do you want to sit around reading articles about dating women all night or actually go meet a cool lady?
It gets easier to make the first move. I promise.
Plus, being nervous shows you care, and that’s pretty cute.
Know you will be a weirdo.
There will inevitably be a time (or many) where you will say or do something and it won’t quite land for the other person.
THAT IS PART OF LIFE. The pressure you put on yourself to not offend anyone and to do it ‘right’ keeps you stuck in your head and your energy frozen.
The fear of messing up causes you to subconsciously disconnect for the person to ‘protect’ them.
On her end, she feels this disconnection and reads it as you not being interested.
Suddenly, you’ve snuffed out the flame before it even got going.
Instead of trying to be perfect, know that when mistakes do happen, that you are a loving person who can communicate, apologize, and ask how you can do better.
It’s a learning process, and making mistakes are a non negotiable part of the learning process.
I’ve learned first hand that flirting with women is so different than performing interest with men. But like everything else, practice makes progress.
Above all, be yourself and remember to not take yourself too seriously. Happy flirting!
If you’re ready to take your flirting up a notch, let’s talk about what’s possible!
